About Bret W. Larrimore

By the grace of God, I'm still here. I'm married to a wonderful woman and we have an awesome son named Simon. I also have a daughter from my secon marriage, and a daughter and son from my first marriage. I've been around the relationship block, so to speak. I've also been led to the information and resources I'll share in this blog due to my own sexual addiction recovery journey. My life is now heading in the direction I've always wanted, and I am to share it with YOU. Praise God.

What is it we really want?

Peace, love, joy, no pain, etc., etc.. In essence, we all want desperately to be connected.  We all want to be connected to God, ourself, and others in some way shape or form.  What is it YOU really want? 

As I type this post, I am in pain.  I have a degenerated disc at L-5 and the one above it is dying too.  It hurts to move.  It hurts to not move.  It hurts my emotions to not be able to play with my young son the way I want to, and the way he needs me to.  It hurts to not be able to help my wife with certain things or friends with other things.  I’m basically being prevented from living the life I want….or am I?   Perhaps I’m learning something.

What steps did I take to make change toward the life I want?  I went outside of myself and got advice and help.  My body hurts so I went to the body doctor.  I went through visits with my general practitioner, then to the orthopedic doctor, then I endured physical therapy, then back to the orthopedic doctor, then to get an MRI and  back again for a CT scan, then back to the orthopedic doctor to be referred to the neurosurgeon who is an hour away, have two visits and then to be scheduled for a surgery which I have not only been told is painful with a long recovery time, but I have watched the procedure on YouTube AND have visited a new friend from our church who just had the same identical surgery.  ‘My’ surgery is scheduled for 5 weeks from today, and I am going through with it. 

Why?  What is it I”m really after here?  What is it that makes all this agony and pain for the next few months, every day – all day,worth it?  My only answer is this…for the results.  I look forward to six months from now and will do what I need to, and what is told to me TO do.  Results in my physical life is what I want; less pain; more fun and joy; for things to be better.

So then, why is it that we are not as eager to take these same seemingly painful steps to get the results we desire in our marriage, our relationships,  in addiction recovery, and in our own spiritual walk with Jesus?  Why, when the results are there to be had?

F.E.A.R. = Fantasized Experiences Appearing Real.  WE (myself included) are so afraid of what we don’t know, but even more so when it comes to the truth of ourselves.  “Who am I, really”?  “What am I, really”?  “Why do I do these things, really”? and “Do I even want to know”?  

Society and the devil would have you think that you don’t really want to know these things and that it doesn’t matter, but it does.  In order to get results in improving our relationships, and in sexual addiction recovery, we must take the painful steps of exploration to answer some of these types of questions.  I know I want my marriage to be able to make it through anything but am I really willing to go through painful stuff to ensure that it can?  Am I willing to be transparent and vulnerable, open to possible rejection?  Am I willing to allow my wife to do the same and not judge her or condemn her for her thoughts and feelings?  We all have them and that doesn’t mean that they are true or real, it’s just fear preventing it.  We fantasize about the rejection instead of setting up ways to have safe and comfortable conversations where we can be honest about our needs, wants, and desires that are in most cases not being met in healthy or godly ways.  Establishing safe talks is vital.  It’s like a doctor’s visit when something is wrong physically; we share our pains in a non-violent way, without anger, without resentment, and without blame.  Then we quietly listen to what is said in return, with respect, with consideration, with a desire to know what we can do to get better results in the situation.  How about at home?  In bed at night?  During or after dinner?  While co-raising your children?   Are you seeking future results, or not really?

Marriage requires work – INTENTIONAL work and effort on both sides.  To see results and change, and to have your needs met means going through some painful relationship ‘surgery’ for a short time to experience the fullness of what God has blessed you with; each other, and a purpose FOR your marriage.  And in recovery from sexual sin there is hope to the max and a life of freedom just waiting for you to seek it out, with Jesus.  But there are painful steps here as well.

Consider these thoughts; 

God wants all of me, and am I willing to give it over to His control?  What will that mean giving up? What will it mean to me spiritually to suffer  a short while to receive the crown that is promised to those who overcome?  How else does one connect with God?  Is God worth it? 

To connect with myself is to understand and accept myself the way God made me, and to find and then do what His will for my life is as He directs.  Ask yourself – What needs to happen for me to understand and accept the ‘real’ me?  What am I holding onto that is preventing this?  Who can help me with making this discovery?  Will I seek them and be transparent?  When will I do this?  Am I worth it, really?  (Yes, you are)

Connecting with others  is equally important, and equally difficult.  There are many variables to consider, but the three most vital are 1) communication 2) understanding 3) acceptance.  And these each ride on the two-way street of life. So ask yourself – How do I communicate my thoughts, feelings, and needs to others I am close to?  Am I approachable for hard talks?  What do I understand most about significant others in my life?  Do they understand me?  Can I accept others for who they are without trying to make them fit a particular mold I expect them to fit?  Can I truly forgive?

Getting what we want doesn’t always happen when, or the way, we would have it.  But it does happen.  When we are physically sick, we go to the body doctor; when we are emotionally and mentally sick, we go to the mental health doctors; and when we are relationally sick, we should go to a relationship doctor; and when we are struggling with an addiction of sexual nature, we need to go to someone who’s been there in the pit and has directions for the way out, without judgement or condemnation.  Each way, there are Intentional steps to take, and guidance to follow for the results we desire.  Jesus knew this all too well and simply said “Follow Me”.  His guidance is like no others and is the light we follow for restoration and healing.  He also says to deny ourselves and carry our own crosses.  Painful and fearful steps to take, but what great rewards waiting ahead.  Isn’t this what we all truly want more than anything;  Connection with our Lord Jesus?  So what are you willing to do to find connection with God, your self, and others?  What is the cost, and what is the reward?  How about having every one of your needs met in ways that glorify the Father, honor your wife, self, and others.

Won’t you walk with me along the path of painful steps?  God tells us to “fear not”, and “I will lead the blind along unfamiliar paths, I will turn the darkness into light and make the rough places smooth.  This I will do.  I will not leave them or forsake them”.  I won’t either.

Why Faith-Based Coaching?

Simple really; the Gospel, Scripture, The Word of God, and those words of Jesus Christ Himself, whichever you like to call them, all point to changing one’s heart toward others and their own personal thoughts and behaviors.  Jesus tells us to love one another as we love ourselves.  This is a tough one, and He knows it.  Loving ourselves is tough enough when constantly reminded of our sinful pasts and damages we’ve caused.  But to love others too? 

How can we do this on our own power?  We can’t.  We need others and the love of Jesus to guide us.  But how? 

The Bible tells us of many things.  I think the most important is to trust in God in all things.  Proverbs 3:5 tells us to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding:”  This is the most important step in improving our relationships with God, our selves, and with others.  He gives us example after example of His people trusting Him and following His guidance with amazing results.

Many of us have made covenants before, and with, God.  In marriages, and vows to Him regarding more simple things in life with failure being the end result.  I son’t think it’s due to lack of want or personal effort, but I DO think it’s due to lack of knowledge and availability of the right tools needed to fulfill these covenants. 

As in all sports, the athletes desire to play the game and be the best, but lack the knowledge and the physical ability.  They need to learn how to make their bodies do what they want them to, and they look to a coach to teach them the ‘how to’s’…it’s up to them to make it happen.

In Relational Improvement and Sexual Addiction Recovery Coaching, I will share the knowledge and tools God has blessed me with, how I have applied them to my own life, how they have changed my life, and how you too can have the life, relationships, and freedom you desire.  It’s there waiting for YOU to come and get it.  And to get it, you have to be ‘Intentional’ about it.  You ahve to take the steps, and we (me and Jesus) will help guide you.  You can try to do it alone as many have and failed, but you don’t have to.

Faith-Based, or rather, Christian Coaching is based on the first principle of the Gospel; love.  It’s in my heart to help others find the joy of relationships and freedom of addiction to immoral behaviors that only want to destroy what we want.  Although I do need to provide for my family’s needs, I do not want to put money above the healing, or above the reason and purpose for my existence.  I’m not out to get rich, because I already am in ways I’ve never dreamed possible. 

Christian Coaching; why?  Because He is love, restoration, peace, joy, self-control, truth, and freedom.  It can’t be found anywhere else but through God’s word and the love of others who have been in the pit, and know the way out.

Next post will be about “What Is It We Really Want?”

Blessings

Getting Started

Here in my blog, I will not try to reinvent the wheel and make claims of having written some of the material used, or quoted.  You will see credit given to each source, and I highly reccommend that you search for the source and review the material yourself.  I will provide as many links as I can, as well as other web info to guide you to them.  I have been blessed and led to many incredible resources that have had an incredible affect on the change of life I now live everyday. 

My plan is to systematically post information on the “how to’s” of Relational Improvement, and how relational disfunction is directly linked to sexual addiction, immorality in marriages, and possibly sexual offences.  I am not a psychologist, therapist, doctor, or licensed counselor.  I am simply a man who has lived in the ‘pit’ of the dark side, and has found the way out to the life I always dreamed of, but could not obtain until now.  I have been where you are today, and where you CAN be.  My life is proof enough.

I intend to post blogs bi-weekly and will start with the basics of how to start improving your relationships and address the issue of sexual addiction and recovery.  We’ll look at ‘breaking those links’ that bind us to bad thoughts and behaviors.  The are not ‘pretty’ to talk about, but the statistics will blow your mind.  I pray that if you are included in those stats, you will follow me closely, and even contact me personally through my e-mail for direct, intentional, coaching.  I promise strict confidentiality to the absolute best of my intellect and ability.  And I expect the same in return.  God is so good!  We are going to have a great time sharing, connecting, getting restored as an individual, and as families.  You’ll see.

These first few blogs are actuall practice for me with the new blog site.  Thanks!!!  See you in a few days.

Why Intentional?

Are you looking forward to what ‘can be’?  Or are you still focusing on what’s behind?  In order to make improvements and find recovery, steps need to be taken in the ‘forward’ direction.  True change cannot and will not happen by keeping our focus on things of the past. 

Where are you now in life?  Are you living the life you’ve always dreamed of?  Even close?  Are your relationships what you want them to be?  Where do you want to BE?  If you can see a vision of how you’d like things to be, they CAN be that way.  The questions are; 1)  Are YOU ready to make the changes? and 2)  Are you ready, willing, and able to open up to new ways to discover your future?

So, ‘Why Intentional’ , huh?  Well, that’s what it’s gonna take from you and everyone involved in the process…. Intentional Effort.  Scripture says in Isaiah 42:16 (NIV) ” I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.  These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.”  The Lord promises to do this for us, but we still have to make the intentional effort to walk along, and stay on, the smooth paths He leads us onto.  And it’s no secret that we humans need each other.  So instead of creating distance and conflict, how about gaining communication, understanding, and acceptance of ourselves and significant others?  Which would you prefer?  The old ways of the past that have proven not to work, OR, the relationship and life you’ve always wanted?  The latter requires traveling in ways you have not known that are unfamiliar and currently dark.  But there’s hope.  The darkness becomes light, and the rough becomes smooth.

The ansers are lying within each of us.  All we have to do be willing to have them exposed, and intentionally take the steps towards improvements, and freedom.

In this blog, I hope to share some of the things I apply and practice in my own relationship and recovery that work for me.  If you’re interested, follow along.  I pray the darkness will be turned into light for you.